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This year held alot of promises for me, or at least it seemed to, but none of them actually held up to what it was worth. It was unbearable, watching my portions of my life simply crumble into pieces right before my very eyes, over and over again. My academics, my parents, friends, love, future, home, self, and literally everything. The number of promises all built up so much, it all simply fell down, collapsing under it's own weight.
The year before was bliss. Everything was perfect, and sometimes, too perfect. There was little to worry about. For the first time in my entire life, I felt...noticed. It wasn't easy to get used to, for I always had thought I was one heck of a complete loser. I never had experienced anything like it...it was unexplainable, and it certainly removed some of my worries about how I was, socially, around people. A few other worries were also gone: I didn't worry about home, family, academics was slack back then, and the likes. At that time, it looked like nothing ever, ever, would possibly interrupt my own stupid heaven I was living in.
So, why didn't it all carry over to this year?
This year started out great. It was the same, but alot more emphasis was placed on academics on the whole, because we would be taking the 'O' levels at the end of the year. It all boiled down to that, and only that. I can't remember what made going to school, day after day, such a joyful occasion for me. The school counseller, some teachers, and a few others told me that it was incredible, that I loved the school to it's bits, but for me, it felt natural.
I've always been a sensitive, and in some cases, a overly-sensitive person. In a nutshell, i've always had feelings that come on very, very strong, whenever something happens. This quality of a person is so badly defamed, it has a nickname given to it: Emo. I was once told by a teacher, that I should stop following what my heart says, and instead, listen to what my brain has to say. Over time, the value that statement brought into my life would take me on my very own roller-coaster ride, because each time I get angry and throw and break stuff, it would be my heart telling me to do so, whereas my brain, which has the ability to tell me that throwing stuff is wrong, would just play dead. There was once a time someone described me as "a big guy with a even bigger heart". I was touched, but it was then I realised, following my heart isn't going to get me places.
This problem would get worse over time, because as I couldn't help but to do what my heart said, I landed myself into hot soup several times. It sucked, because I got an offence form for my stupidity, more than once. I knew it was wrong to do so, but I did it. The school counsellor helped me with this, and he said having a big heart was not a bad thing, but I needed self discipline to make sure my brain would tell me to stop. I went home, and tried reflecting on myself about things like these by putting a pen to paper with my diary, but I often ended up in tears, dissapointed and angry with myself even before I started the entry. The diary, today, is full of happy memories, completely missing out of a single mention of an offense form because of this very reason.
...it wasn't long before my father would address me as things such as, "no brain fella" and "stupid useless bastard". I never really every liked him, for he had whacked me on my head with a bamboo stick once until I had fainted, and in another occasion, rammed my stomach with a hammer. We never talked, he never wanted to talk and hear people out, and did whatever he wanted. He did whatever he wanted alright, because right after my mother had saved up for a high speed internet access contract, and money to rennovate both the toilets at jurong into condo-era style toilets, and just as we were settling down happily, my father decided to move houses. For the record, the previous internet contract we had was terminated, with a penalty, because my father broke the $2000 modem.
I had never, ever, enjoyed using toilets so much in my entire life. But we had to leave it, and move to some place that is anything, but sanitary. My dad runs a diary cattle farm (a cow farm) and he had built a farmhouse there a couple of years back. He said that he was supposedly going to rent out the farmhouse, but I knew the day was unavoidable.
When I first heard that we were going to move, I got angry again and spouted vulgarities at my dad, the same way he treated us. My mother was helpless, as my father has never let anyone do anything to our wishes, so she was already starting to pack the stuff to leave the house. I didn't want to leave, so I just sat in front of the computer, as my mum started packing stuff from my room. I was chatting with a girl on messenger, a girl, who at that time, meant so much to me. She seemed to be the only friend in my entire life who ever cared about my feelings, and the only girl i've ever had a whole-hearted relationship with. I couldn't help it, but I started to have feelings for her. She meant alot to me, and chatting with her as everybody in the family was packing, helped ease my burderns by unlimited proportions. Problem was, while she was all this and that, she didn't know the gravity of the situation. My friendship with her, at that time itself, was already giving unheard sounds of crying pain. We didn't face each other in school, because we had problems on our part, and from that day I moved, would take a downhill detour, because the only way we actually managed to face her, was through the internet. Ah, the dangers of instant messaging. Ah, the importance of face-to-face communication. But again, she never really understood the gravity of the situation, or she didn't give a damn about me:
Me: We're moving to the farm today...that means I won't be able go online anymore.
...long pause...
Me: Hello? you there?
Her: so, you going for geog class tmr?
I felt a litle backstabbed at this point, to be honest. I couldn't handle my heart's emotions anymore. The whole house was being emptied, and the one person in my life, who meant so much to me, just...
I said bye to her and signed out of messenger. Its actually a rarety that I leave a conversation in such a fashion. I was crying in front of the computer. My mother came back into my room to carry the stuff down to my dad's lorry. She saw me crying, but she thought I was crying because we were moving, and not because of her. In actual fact, it was a mix of both that made me break down like this, and the one person, who had always helped me by lending a ear, and in some cases, by lending a hand, wasn't there when I needed her the most.
It was new to me, and a tad overwhelming, and I didn't know how to handle all this. She was gone, and we were moving to a farm. I never have been accepted and liked so much by a girl, she had already gone deep into my heart, and grabbed it. But now, she was gone. I felt backstabbed. I felt angry. I felt dissapointed.
In less than 2 days, we were already trying to make ourselves at our new home. Things were terrible. We had moved from a executive apartment, to a tiny farmhouse. Home was a terrible place to be in, without even a single fan in place. My dad had helped us empty and leave jurong in less than 2 days, but he didn't help us with moving into the farmhouse at all. It took us nearly 2 whole months of sorting things out and downsize our stuff from a 5 room executive, to a tiny 2 room farmhouse. It was actually a 4 room farmhouse, but 2 of the 4 rooms were in use. One of the rooms, my dad had rented out to a poor couple, and the other, as a store room for some idiot's junk. Needless to say, studying at home wasn't an option. It took my dad more than 4 months to get these rooms back from these people, but it took only 2 days to get us out of jurong. Yup, he does whatever he wants.
Things didn't stop here. After we moved to the farm, my mother could no longer put up with my dad's nonsense. They fought, and my mum soon came out of the office, crying her heart out. She entered her room, and started packing her stuff. The next day, she would leave for the airport to take a flight to india.
Living with my father alone was a different experience altogether, and I could never get used to it.
While studying at home wasn't a option, studying at school didnt do me any justice either. I was always emo-ing and being distracted by her and her clique. It felt like one time I belonged in that very clique. That feeling and level of acceptance, was gone. And it wasn't easy to let go of.
Over time, things just got more complicated between me and her. Worse, the beans were spilt easy, because everybody saw right through me: I loved her. On my part, I tried to let go of her, for I had already given her hell and countless problems. It wasn't easy, because somehow, one way or another, she kept coming back.
During the mid year holidays, when the F&N students camped in school to finish up the typing of our coursework folio, I decided to sign into messenger. And there she was, online. I didn't initiate a chat with her on purpose, as I wanted to continue my coursework. Guilt ridden, I continued my typing, but then she initiated a chat with me. As I wasn't able to concentrate on my coursework with her at the back of my mind, I decided to just settle it. She started apologising like crazy, and we made serious confessions to each other about how we felt about each other, and how we both wished to be friends again. As she typed apology after apology, and as they appeared on the screen, my eyes started tearing. Every single one of her apologies were dead accurate, and sincire. This time round, she had understood the gravity of the situation better, because she knew that if not for that fateful chat we had, we would not have sorted things out. I covered my face with my hands in front of the computer in lab1-for I was shedding tears, tears of joy.
Problem was, she never was any kind of normal person. She seemed like the sweetest little thing on the planet, and it was flower blossoms each time she talked to me, but she wasn't normal.
That chat did not, believe it or not, improve things at all. We knew that we'd like to chat, but we couldn't. Or at least I couldn't. We were always passing by each other, exchanging random smiles and waves, but we never actually sat down and talk. I knew this was fragile, and would break again soon. It didn't feel right.
While we drifted apart, she started falling for another guy, in her class. Soon enough, I heard things going on between them. My heart ached each time I saw them walking together happily from thier class, nextdoor, to the canteen below, across the parade square. Jonathan and I usually hang around the railings outside of our class during reccess, and he noticed. He helped ease some of the burderns I had, and has helped expain and point out things to me. Dominic, too, was another person who helped me ease these burderns.
I heard more and more about them. But it was one particualar incident that made me break into tears for the entire recess period. I cried uncontrollably again, with Dominic patting my back, and Jonathan offering me a packet of tissue. I started scribbling on my diary of how I needed to move on and let things go, as tears wet the page and smudge the ink.
We never got to talk. She was happy with him, and I was kinda forgotten. They were always together, every time I saw them and look at how happy she was, I realised how much of a failiure I was for not being a good friend of her's. This sinking feeling never went away, the sinking feeling just distracted me from my studies.
my mum was in india, my dad was doing shit, home was a junkyard, I felt as if I never had anyone, i lived in a farm, and my academics were going down the drain.
I remembered that, after I moved to the farm, we both would be taking the same bus to school. Sometimes, when she would ignore me while on the bus, but she always told me that she didn't see me. But I am sure she has ignored me on the bus. More than once. I also remember how she would alight before me on the bus, and take huge strides to the school gate, making sure I was far, far, away. There was once she saw me on the bus, and ignored me. After I reached the parade square at school, she came up to me and told me: "Were you on the bus? I didn't see you!". Lost for words, I just continued walking in my general direction. I didn't even know if what I did was right or wrong.
There was once they were walking together, and we both were suppsedly heading towards the same bus stop, as we were supposed to take the same bus. But they both ignored me collectively, and headed to another bus stop further away to take another bus service, just to make sure I don't take the same bus as her. I stood there at the bus stop opposite of the polyclinic, and watched them walk straight until they turned left the the next junction, and dissapear.
As the O levels reached nearer, I had already moved on. It wasn't easy, but I had to, because of the examinations. In the process, I had discovered so many people that I would never have if I were stuck to her. These people include:
The allmighty SANKARSH, the one person who has helped me all this time, over and over again, countless number of times. This is one guy I need to thank.
DOMINIC. While I was caught in this game of love, dominic had always been candid with telling me about his status, and how he felt about someone. Incredibly, he can be quite a good person to confide in. Surprising.
JONATHAN. This is, hands down, one of the funniest guys ive ever met. And for all those times we talked outside of our class by the railing, those were priceless. Another guy who you can confide in, but not in a mushy sweet kinda way.
CHELSEA! She's the type of person who is fixed and focused on what she does, and has every single minute of her life planned out, I swear. Sure, she may not have much fun, but I know this girl since sec 1, and to me, she's got heart, and no matter how little, she's not afraid to be her true self. And i'm lucky to discover her. I thought she would be busy with her O's, but she came up to me, just to talk to me about her problems. I thought that was very sweet.
KHAMNEE! She's fun, very sociable and flexible. Probably the most straight forward and the most comical/fun girl i've ever met, because she can make you laugh! Girls of such qualities are very, very, rare..., and i'm glad to know her, and I can't believe my luck!
BENEDICT. yeah, yeah you must be running up the wall right now. But believe it or not, benedict is incredibly good at heart. It's just that, his good intentions doesn't come through his personality very nicely. A little playful and insensitive at times, but he knows how to care.
There are others who helped me though this, but I can't remember at the moment. But these people that i've discovered, was because I chose to move on / run away. As the O levels came, things seemed to just click on time. My mum came back from india, and alhough she caused a huge fight on her return due to her mental condition, she transformed the home from junkyard, to a actual home. The people I had discovered gave me encouragement in more ways than one, and the more I ran away, the better I felt. I simply backed down and kept a extremely low profile about anything I did. At this point of time, i'm pretty sure she hated me to the core (I heard she scolded me the F word). But I ran away. I was having a lovely chat with Chelsea in the canteen, with no regrets whatsoever, I had gone over to khamnee's place to study, Dominic and I shared the same feelings, Jonathan was heading for a happy ending (and I'm honoured to be part of his journey there), and Sankarsh and I were having fun crapping around! (we played with the damned fan during our MT exam retake). It was the same feeling I got back in sec 3: the feeling of people aknowledgeing your presence (not the same as the feeling of people respecting you).
As I backed down, everything quietened. Besides the occasional glances we had, I heard nothing at all. There was once I was in the hall, as I was packing my bag after the paper, she walked past me, and tapped my shoulder, and wished me good luck for the next paper. Chelsea saw this, haha, you should have seen her face.
While things clicked on time, my fear is that it may have been a little too late. My fear is i'd actually repeat sec4 due to badass results. But if I were to repeat sec4 again, i'd do it right this time round.
Today, things are as normal as it can get. When I went back online, she asked me to listen to what she had to say. She then told me she wanted to change and that she'd do anything to start things over and be good friends all over again. My feelings for her has changed too. Admittedly, I did used to like her, but ever since she got involved with her guy, i've noticed a change in her since. That something about her I used to like so much is gone. I don't know what it was, and i'd probably never know. never. What I do know is that, this girl whom I used to like so much and cry over is no longer there. She's gone. It took me nearly more that half a year to recover from my terrible loss, but I did it, on my own.