Perhaps it's immatuirity on my part, but whenever I look at life straight in the eye, it scares me. It scares me, how everything in my life would just simply boil down to how I am. Everything I've gotten myself into, every-single-thing, it's because of me, and what I did. Everything that I will become, would also boil down to just me. It's actually pretty heavy on it's own, added on to the stress of daily life (crappy music, crappy mum's food, crappy school, crappy class, crappy parents, crappy home, crappy computer, crappy etc etc).

The loneliness comes in there. Maybe it's just because my friends mean the world to me. I feel cheated sometimes, because I know a decent number of people, and to not any one of them, can I ever share something with. Its....confusing. It feels like being cheated. Absolutely a ridiculous thought, but that's how it really feels. They all come and go, no matter how much or little they meant. I know that's just life, and it simply has to go on, nothing can stop time, but it's scary.

These friends are here, but only in happier times. When you're sad, they magically disappear. You're here with them, but some end up in better positions then you later in life, and you'll be wondering how. How you were there the entire time, but you didn't make it, and he/she did. Some, don't end up in better places. There are some people who can't make it. They just couldn't.

It's like a cash-crunch position to be in when you feel for these people. Great for people who managed to make it further than you (when you couldn't), and too bad for those who couldn't make it (there's nothing you can do to help).

There are these people who are just blessed. They just have their lives and future laid out in front of them - for them. There are these people who have this strong sense of direction, which gives them the drive to push for whatever they want. This is self-motivation in action, but what about the people without this guiding? I think I fall under this category - it took me such a long time to know what life exactly is, and exactly, how scary it is once you've looked at it in the eye.

There are other thoughts. For instance, i'm overweight. Off the scales - literally. I've had thoughts of if or not i'd get those diseases that were mentioned as health risks of being obese. What if, what if, I grew up to become some unhealthy slob with diabetes, high-blood pressure, and other stuff? Who would I have to blame? I would only have to blame myself. It all just boils down to how I shape my life.

Friends can't help you with these, can they? that's why it feels lonely. Then again, it might just be me, because friends mean alot to me.

Ancherle was feeling rather upset over something today. Starting from when we were in the canteen, over a phone call, and expressed herself freely about how she felt over the issues she was facing. We get it, you're upset. She was speaking for a pretty long time on the phone, and I jokingly asked her to put it down, and have happier chat with us instead. Ancherle, she turned around, still on the phone, she told me that she had a listening ear, so she continued.

It may not have been noticeable at that point of time, but what she said genuinely had pierced through me, and stayed there. I wish I had a listening ear. The day before, I had a serious argument with my dad. I wish I had someone to talk to about how I felt about the whole argument. Hell, I don't even have a phone to begin with. I mean, my mood for the entire day was spoilt. I wasn't tired at all, I wasn't sleepy, and yet, I couldn't concentrate on POA's lesson. I slept instead. I couldn't concentrate even in OFA, where I barely scraped through finishing just one Excel assignment. I wish I could tell someone, how heavy it was all in my head. I know it shouldn't affect me, and especially not jeopardize my studies (no, not this time again), but it did. It was pretty heavy in my head, and more than ever, I couldn't manage it on my own. As a matter of fact, It affected my behavior for the whole day. I couldn't deal with it, and I didn't like it. And, I get angry at myself once again.

up till the point we got off the bus, she was still on the phone.

I'm sick and tired of having to bottle up every single misery I've gone through. So many of the people around me have listening ears, or at least, someone. I have nothing. Why? Is it because i'm weird? i'm a loser? i'm a failure? I look bad? If so, why hasn't anyone told me this? It makes me angry at myself, more than anything. Ranting here on my blog doesn't really help much. I need an actual human's understanding sometimes. I need this far less frequently than what I've been through in secondary school, but sometimes, just sometimes....I do. Someone, anyone.

It may be a world of friends, but it's a evil world.