Yesterday marked the end, and a beginning. I don’t think that fixes things for me though, and even if it does, it’s only fixing half of what I am guilty of. But that’s alright, at least they’re friends once again, and they’ll be happy. For the mistake I made, I will bear the consequences.

I don’t think it is a good habit to run away, but getaways are good sometimes. Went over to CS’s place after school. It’s been some time since I last went there, that quiet estate of his, those terrace houses. Ah, nostalgia.

What was even more nostalgic was how I laughed over all those stupid things we can do in video games, griefing around in them, and exploiting them. I miss doing stuff like these, life’s been all about school, friends, and trying it accept it all and soaking it in has been not only difficult, but also very stressful.

Playing Team Fortress 2 after such a long time was a nice getaway. Such a good game, what a pity I can’t play it home. It really helps me to cheer up.

 
a small, yet cool addition to the game. The main menu had always shown a picture of the RED (Reliable Excavation Demolition) team, but now, they’ve added this picture to the main menu, representing the BLU (Builders League United) team. It’s pretty.

I’m losing everything I ever cared and loved about. Nothing these days cheer me up. Listening to music doesn’t help, keeping myself occupied doesn’t help, chatting with friends doesn’t help, i’m losing my appetite like crazy, and spending time in front of the computer just turns me further into a materialistic bitch. I just want to lie down, and go to sleep forever, and cry my heart out. I hate what i’m doing to myself. I’m not proud of the person i’ve become.

I have got this bad habit of clipping my nails until they bleed. I should stop that >D:

Yesterday, at CS’s place, at around 9PM or so, Sangeetha initiated a chat with me. We talked about school, and it was long story short on our parts, but the replies she gave me were killer ones:

”hahaha don’t worry, no one does it on purpose”
”everyone’s got problems like these, you know, politics”

It was so simple. And it made sense.

You know, bloggie, i’ve been seriously considering stripping the tagbox off you. I mean, since not many people tag us anyway. And yeah, I do collect statistics on the visitor traffic you’re receiving. Due to the lack of me updating you, there’s been a 2% drop of the number of people reading you. LOL. But that isn’t bad, I guess. At least i’m able to think, and write my thoughts here. At least, i’m able to express to you how my emotional status is like, and how it feels. It’s a ton better than not updating you at all, like in the past couple of weeks.

I wish life could just slow down, then I would have more time to reflect, and not be plagued by other people’s thoughts. However, reality rushes in; the world is anything BUT slow. Although I live in a farm, we live in a city. The City Life isn’t slow, if anything. The people in school are not slow, my lecturers are slower than secondary school, but people in class have problems catching up, which means the lecturers are still fast to certain people. Perhaps, just perhaps, this might be a weakness of mine. I like to take things too slow, too light. I’m tense, I can’t relax.

Sometimes, I’d spend the entire night stoning in front of the computer, or updating you. That’s because i’m not ready for a new day, I don’t want today to end. I’m just not finished with what I started. I’m not ready to go to bed, and face tomorrow.

The weeks pass by really quick, this year’s passing pretty quick. It feels like just like yesterday, we were in class, doing a sing-a-long session with Mr. Sunny Chow for NDP celebrations.

And now, OFA exam’s next week. My classmates and me with less-than-proper attendance have been given debarment appeal forms. Yes, I got debarred from a subject. I’m being debarred from COB, a module with absolutely no written papers. Which means, if I were to be debarred from COB, I would have to do either that project again, that listening test, or that role-play again. At least, that’s what Mr. Chin told me, when I talked to him about this. From the looks of it, i’d rather be debarred from a written paper instead.

I’m pretty worried for some people in F.U.C.K.T.A.R.D.S who got debarred. I’ve got my fingers crossed that their appeal goes through, particularly one person. But i’m not telling here, hahahaha. You see, bloggie, sure, I can write here about all my problems, but you aren’t exactly private. In fact, you’re free for the world to read. And that is what’s unique about a blog.

and oh, by the way, if you’re wondering what F.U.C.K.T.A.R.D.S is, its kinda being used as the name of our clique. Isn’t that cute? hahaha, funny people, them.

I overheard from Mr. Henry about something regarding the debarment. I’m not telling that here either, because I don’t think I was supposed to hear that, when I was in the staff room. (lol) I also heard about some of the more serious cases in our class, in a chat Mr. Chin and Mr. Chow were having. Both of them, bound to be debarred, or hell, even dismissed from the course. It’ll be sad to see them leave, but here’s hoping they get through.

Hope exists. Not only does hope exist, hope runs deep, and is alive.

I owe big time to someone in my class, who I think is special. I can’t believe it, all this time, I couldn’t see. How could I have been, so blind. What a fool I am. You may think i’m being too hard on myself, but I feel terrible man. It was _____ the entire time. I just couldn’t see. Now I owe her – big time. I feel indebted. I NEED to apologize, but i’m afraid of screwing things up further, more than what I already did. Things have been settling down, but...

Fuck you, Ramesh. What a unappreciative bastard you’ve been.

and yeah, I did say there was 5 parts to the multi-post update. So, you must be wondering, where is #5? Well, it was 4AM in the morning, and I couldn’t finish #5. I went to sleep after #4, I was so tired. Ah well, at least I spiced you up with life after not updating for some time k? b happi :D

I will, however, still finish multi-post #5 sometime, as promised. That’s because #5 is going to be special, and I want it to be perfect. Which is why it’s taking so long. I’m not a perfectionist, and I only believe in perfection to only an extent, but I trust, making #5 perfect will be worth it. My guilty conscience be healed.

and, I trust, Time will continue to heal, just like what it did yesterday.

Word out,
Unappreciative Ramesh